Thursday, July 3, 2014

THE DOCTOR WHO SAVED FIFTY LIVES IN 2 MINUTES.



No.
You just clicked the wrong article. Why for Zeus' sake would I blog about doctors being heroes. Seriously people.
I had to use this title formula though. It's all I've been seeing on my facebook news feed lately:
This man made one million dollars in two days, watch what he did next! 50 reasons not to date a graphic designer, 30 pictures that will restore your faith in humanity, 10 reasons why you're an idiot, etc, etc, etc... Seems these kind of articles and posts are working well, I had to get your attention somehow. You drama seekers.

I know what you're feeling right now. Fooled. Deluded. Deceived. The exact feeling you gain after visiting your doctor, matter of fact. Any doctor.
And by the time you read this, my doctor would've made 50$.
A doctor in Ashrafiyeh would've made 150$. A dentist would've made 300$. And a gynecologist would've made your day.

Why bring this subject to light now, at this very moment, you may ask.
No specific reason. I paid my doctor a visit today (literally), which lasted for one minute and twenty three seconds. I shall share with you my one and only conversation with the doctor.

(1:00:00 pm) Me: Hello doc.
(1:00:01 pm) Doc: Bernard! Please come in.
(1:00:02 pm) Me: Thank you.
(1:00:50 pm) Doc: Well, let's see what's wrong with you champ, have a sit.
[Whatsapp notification]
(1:01:00 pm) Doc: Hmmm (while examining me).
[Another whatsapp notification]
(1:01:23 pm) Doc: Yes, as expected. No big deal! Here's a prescription and I'll be seeing you next week! Ciao!

By the time you read this, my doctor would've made another 50$.

So I went thinking, on my way back, what the fuck just happened.
I met a guy, he told me I'm fine, then I gave him 50$, and after that we both smiled and said goodbye. Maybe that's what's torturing me, I was smiling.

Come to think of it, there's one and only one reason why doctors are super heroes:
They can rob you faster than an ambitious banker on cocaine.
According to the CAS (Central Administration of Statistics), the number of doctors in Lebanon is 10234. Which means there's 1 doctor for every 500 people. This is getting nowhere, bottom line, we're being robbed.

If you're rich, you're healthy. If you're not insured, you're screwed.
Plus, I am convinced that doctors charge us based on their plans and activities later at night.
I shall elaborate:
• If the doctor's wife/ girlfriend (or both) are tired and would like to spend the night at home, you're good to go, here's a free examination.
• However, if the doctor's wife/ girlfriend (or both) desire sushi later at night, well, suddenly an X-Ray is required, just to be sure.
• If the doctor's son wants an iPad, you have a small inflammation, here's a prescription.
• If the doctor's son got bored of the iPad and needs a mountain bike, well buddy, this inflammation looks seriously damaged to me, needs an operation. 

By the time you read this, my doctor would've made another 50$.

I am now addressing anyone who might be any place near me in case of an accident:
Never, ever, under any circumstances, put my life between the hands of a doctor in case anything happened to me. Just give me a loaded gun.

I'm not stereotyping though, there are some pretty good doctors out there who are doing an amazing job (I salute you). However, let us admit that the biggest slice of this sector has lost its human sense. And its common sense. And any kind of sense. Which makes no sense to me at all.

The same can be adapted to the mechanic men, by the way. But I refrained from mentioning them. My car kept breaking down lately to a point where I now became best friends with my mechanic man, I call him during the day for no specific reason, just to hear his voice. Last week I met his wife and kids, lovely family. Pauline said her first word while I was there... Tears filled my eyes.

But doctors? These guys are something else. A culture on its own.
I mean, we all played doctor when we were kids. I know you did. We all did. Don't act innocent.
And as I recall, we didn't give a fuck about the patient's health or feelings, right? The best part of the game was when we'd examine them with eleven fingers. And now, 20 years later, nothing has changed. They couldn't care less about our health, feelings, and what we ate last night. The best part of our visit is when we bend over giving them enough space to fuck us right up in the ass, or as some people like to call it, the prescription.
See, it started with a childhood game, we brought this to ourselves. However, madame, I wouldn't worry if your kids are playing doctor, I would worry the day I find out they're playing Politician. God things are evolving too fast on this planet.

Annnd here's another 50$.

Next time I see the doctor, I will make sure my visit would be really worth the 50$. I have it all planned. I will ask him about all the stuff I see in commercials, if they're right for me, because you know, every single product and its dog is recommended by nine out of ten doctors. Just for once I'd like to know what the fuck is the tenth doctor recommending. Who is this guy? What does he want? And why do they keep coming back to him if he always recommends another brand?
They are all liars, you see.
My ex doctor once told me that I have three months to live, I told him that I couldn't afford the bill, so he gave me another three months. Then he said I can live up to one year if I get enough likes on facebook. I think he liked me, because I recently found out that men don't need Prostate exams before the age of 40.
Which is why he is now my ex doctor.

Wiiiiiiii another 50$.

I will start trusting doctors the day they respect their appointments with the patients.
If you have a patient at 2:00 pm, and it's 1:55 pm and you're still enjoying your Asbé Nayyé plate at Sultan Brahim, you're most probably the main reason behind this blog post. (Confirmed by nine out of ten bloggers).


In unrelated news:
I'm looking for a bike rack that fits a Smart car. If you know someone who knows someone do let me know.

50$.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Quotes

Here's something I don't like: Quotes.
Yes, let us talk about online quotes.
Now I'm aware that this post may not come at the right time, specially that most of you are getting ready to dive into the valentine mood, and I understand how important is the role of quotes at this time of year. I heard it comes forth on the list.

Oh. You didn't know there was a Valentine to do list?
I shall enlighten you. Here's how it goes.

1. Wake up to the sound of birds.
(We don't care if you can't find any. Worst case you can try this web: http://www.noisli.com)

2. Text your sweetheart using main keywords like: Bonzoul, we3e dabdoub, apalni, 7eppak, mwah.
They like that.

3. Tease your sweetheart.
Do not tell her today's plans, or what you got her, trust me. Now at a certain time you might think that she's aware of all the plan, you are probably right. Of course she is, because it's the same plan you guys did last year, and we all know you're gonna end up dining in a fancy restaurant, drinking wine and making an unbreakable eye contact while some one man show is testing his organ in the background.

4. Google some quotes.
Any quotes relating to love will do.
Chose the best quotes, make a top 5 list. Now you are hesitant which quote to use, you really want to use all of them but you can't. No problem my friend, here's what to do:
Chose the best quote, and send it to the flower shop to be attached with the bouquet, because, you're getting her a bouquet of course. As for the rest of the quotes, post your second favorite on facebook, your third favorite on instagram and tweet about the rest. But whatever you do, make sure you harass the entire online population. Use hashtags.

5. Be nice.
Just for today, you may go back being a dickhead as of tomorrow morning.

6. Use a foreign accent (let's make leuve. Ti amo. etc...).
If you're willing to get laid, of course.

7. Tip the vallet parking.
Yes, we all hate these guys I know. However, it is very important to tip them a good amount of money. Make sure you do it when your lover is looking. They will link this behavior to marriage. They will.

8. Karaoke.
Because of course, if you love her enough, you should humiliate yourself after having dinner, by singing Helene Segara's "Elle tu l'aimes", you who can barely get one note straight through your untalented rotten voice. But that's ok, we all know you're doing it for a good cause.
Seriously dude, don't.

9. Have sex.
It's Valentine. Try to last more than 15 seconds.
Think of Israeli troops invading the room where you're doing it.
Think of Tony Khalifeh interviewing Maryam Nour. Think of your grandma.

10. Ignore all the above because you are single.

Here's one good thing about quotes, you can still share them if you're single. Matter of fact you can share quotes about how awesome being single is.
You can even go wild and create your own quote.
You see after all these years on social media, as a quote observer I've come to discover how quotes are formed, there's a certain format you should follow, and once you master it, you can create a quote about any topic you desire.
I shall elaborate.

Format number one:
Don't X the Y, Y the X.
Example: Don't count the years, make the years count.
You can find endless options in this one, they might not make any sense, but they will still sound cool and sharable.
Examples:
* Don't think of change, change you're thinking.
* Don't listen to their words, hear their words listening. (What the fuck. See, sounded cool though).
* Don't cease the moment, let the moment cease you.

Format number two:
It's not about X, it's about Y.
Example: It's not how much you cry that matters, it's how much you laugh.
Sweet Jesus. Here we go.
Examples:
* It's not about the destination, it's about the journey.
* It's not how stupid you are, it's how stupid you aim to be.
* It's not about how many guys you've seen, you're a whore.

Format number three:
The X (verb), but the Y (verb).
Examples:
* The rich own, but the poor seek. (Don't ask)
* The wise dance, but the wiser listen.
* Lovers fly high, but every heart must break.

Stop.
Stop sharing quotes. We do not care about what Paulo Coelho thought of Valentine, love or broken hearts. It's stupid.
Even if you share them, we'd still think you're shallow. You're not deep. Stop making an effort.
You are only allowed to share quotes from Pink Floyd, Tom Waits and George Carlin.
Other than that, you may go Valentine yourself.


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

#Alexa



Anyone who says men aren't capable of multiple orgasms has never watched a local weatherman reporting on an approaching storm.
These people are a little over excited, and need to calm the fuck down. Now.
Heavy rains, gusty winds, two to three meters of snow. Why all the fuss? I recall when I was a child we used to call it Winter. We get it, Alexa is coming.
Which brings me to my second point.

Who names these storms?

Alexa? Seriously?
First of all, with a name like Alexa I'm more afraid this storm will get drunk and blow some rich Saudi prick, than I am that it will cause flooding.
Second, all the strippers in Maameltein named Alexa... Their rates just tripled.
Third, why don't they give hurricanes epic names? I don't know, something like 'Gust of doom' or 'Fate fairy' or 'Maryam Noor'. How about hurricane 'Megadoom 300' and I guarantee people will be evacuating like they need to. Hurricane Alexa sounds friendly, better yet, might give you a boner. Hurricane Maryam Noor or Megadoom 300 will rip your skin off if you look at it wrong.
People should be warned and well prepared. which brings me to my third point.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."
The next person who will post this quote on facebook, is getting a huge high five. On his face. With a vintage metal iron. And no, I do not wish to see pictures of your fluffy red socks in front of a chimney, with a Miley Cyrus video clip playing in the background.
What if Miley Cyrus songs contain subliminal messages which are rain prayers, and we brought Alexa upon Lebanon? Stop the madness.

At the end of this post, in a serious tone of voice, I would like to draw you attention to some people who will be facing this storm, and most probably the whole winter season, in a completely different way and under different circumstances than ours.
Yes, my thoughts and prayers go to Saad El Hariri, Nabih Berri, Najib Mikati and many more, along with their friends and families. We will be launching a donation campaign, for those of you who might be interested in contributing. Anything will do. Armani clothes, chandeliers, Kastana bags, really...

Have a warm and safe night everyone. And remember, if your house was hit by a giant seahorse, do not, I repeat, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE SEAHORSE IS OK. That's just how the storm tricks you into coming outside.


Friday, November 15, 2013

This is priceless.

Shop assistant: That would be 100 000 LBP, sir.
Mr Falalambert: Here's 100 $. Keep the change.

Now you would think that Mr Falalambert is a rich man, or a millionaire who likes to tip everyone everywhere, randomly. However, here's the truth. Mr Falalambert is barely a middle class man, digging his way up trying to survive and cover his child's education.
But why would Mr. Falalambert leave a 50 000 LBP tip to a random shop assistant?


























Yes. That's why.
And I, just like Mr. Falalambert, would never agree to have this piece of paper anywhere near my dusty wallet.

A money bill is usually considered a national symbol. Where they can portray a historical figure that marked a massive change in the history, or, sometimes, they simply feature a traditional element that doesn't exist anymore, and which was once a proud symbol of the country. It should reflect the country's culture.
The whole point behind a money bill is to value something (or someone, in specific situations), but this bill has absolutely no value.
Here's my reasons why the following 50000 LBP design is far better than the above, and should be adapted.

1- This design is actually based on a grid.
2- There is one font in the layout.
3- The colors are homogeneous, and it doesn't look like a fairy's cum.
4- There are no abstract weird shapes in Black that only Maryam Nour would relate to.
5- There are no spelling mistakes.
6- The plane symbols reflect a fact, a culture, the modern Lebanon. It's insightful. 
7- As mentioned before, a money bill could feature a traditional element that doesn't exist anymore, and which was once a proud symbol of the country.
8- It's simple.
9- It looks less fake than the option above.
10- It's a joke. But this one was done intentionally.

I will personally make sure to send my design to whoever is in charge there. And I bet you 50000 LBP it'll be approved, with one small comment: "We don't get the brain symbol. But keep it we like the colors".

Till then, my friends, I invite you all not to use the new 50000 LBP bill. I have a strong feeling that if we ignore its existence, it will disappear.
As for the designer behind this piece of art, if you're reading this, please send me your contact, or address. I'm getting you a design book for your 7th birthday.

Friday, October 18, 2013

SMS Compilation [Part 1]


I have a confession to make.
I am one miserable lonely man, who has no friends. No one ever calls, or even texts me.
And it's really hard, you know. There were times where I cried, and I cried, and I cried, till I ran out of tears. Now I'm sure you're reading this thinking there must be something funny coming now.
No. I'm dead serious, for once. This is a very sensitive phase I'm going through, and this very sad situation is starting to affect me. I'm not sure for how long I'm willing to take this.

Just a small text. Is it too much to ask?
If it weren't for Victoria's Secret, and some other lousy brands, no one would have texted me, ever.
And you come to a point where you are so lonely that you start replying to these texts, you know, so you would feel the warmth of a conversation.

Ladies and gents, I present to you this humble list of some texts I received.
I simply couldn't keep myself from replying. Really.



 




































CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I'M STILL IN ZAHLE.


I had this as my profile picture when I first received a text from Victoria's Secret.



Monday, October 7, 2013

One Hour And Forty Five Minutes.

"Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost a part of your life."
Michael LeBoeuf

Thank you for the intro Mr. LeBoeuf, now if I may, I shall adapt what you just said to a more local insight.
Waste 12000 L.L and you've only wasted money, but watch "Habbet Loulou" and you've lost a part of your life.
Before I start pouring my frustration upon you innocent readers, there is one thing I would like to clarify:
*Clears throat*
I do respect some of the actors who starred in this film, as well as people who actually liked this film.
Everyone has his own taste in movies. Everyone is entitled to his own opinions, but not his own facts.
Now here's a fact for you: This film is pointless.

Last week, someone sent me a link to Habbet Loulou's trailer.
I opened it. I watched it. Then there was silence. I was able to hear my own breathing, and my brain ceased to function for a pretty short period of time. I felt... Nothing.
I remember my heart skipping a beat every time I see something impressing. However this was my first Brain-skipping-a-thought experience.
I had to share what I felt, so I posted this status on Facebook:
"I just saw the trailer of Habbet Loulou. I'd rather watch Ghannoujit Bayya discussing her deep emotional endless wounds. In 3D."
I received some pretty mixed reviews. Some strongly agreed, others thought it's actually a nice movie. So, to be fair, I decided to watch the movie.

*Insert here same music effect played in movies when someone is about to do something stupid*

To start, we called to book our seats for Habbet Loulou, 10:30pm session. The phone operator was surprised. #firstbadsign
Once in the movie theater, well, I'm not sure how to say this... I don't really want to be harsh, but to be honest, the best part in yesterday's film was the trailers that preceded it.
Why all the hate you may ask.

Quoting the film's description on Facebook:
"In modern day Lebanon, in a country divided between those who have too little and those who have too much, three women try to defy their social labeling and incapability. "Habbet Loulou" is a story about illegitimate children, prostitution, and abortion. A heartfelt tale that streams from the veins running under the very streets of Lebanon."

*Awkward silence*

Okaaay...
First, I am not here to lecture about ethics and prostitution. Everyone is fighting his own battle, everyone has his own reasons for doing whatever they are doing, everyone should be respected.
However, this film portrayed prostitutes in a so unrealistic, exaggerated, bothering way which my eyes couldn't digest. But, they had to exaggerate and create such character so they would fill the huge empty holes in the script.
Second, what did we really learn about abortion in this film? Anyone? In the back? No? Someone? ...Please?

This is a very wide, deep, and sensitive subject. You cannot simply show a pregnant prostitute in one scene, then the same pregnant prostitute praying at a church in the next scene, and voila! That's how she decided to keep the baby!
Bullshit.
You're a film maker! We don't really give a crap whether the film is based on a true story or not, we are seeking some storytelling with taste (and logic). It's not what you're saying, it's the way you are saying it.
Come to think about it, it IS what you're saying as well... You see this isn't working on so many levels.

If I was an illegitimate child, or a woman who has aborted her baby, or even a prostitute, (actually I was a prostitute, I used to work in Advertising), I would easily relate or sympathize with this film. And that is only because it mentioned my social stand. It's like when you're watching a Steven Spielberg film, and someone mentions Beirut. You get excited, Hurray! They know us, our beloved city was mentioned in a foreign film! #Good
But if you dig deeper, you will find out that Beirut was mentioned and labeled as a city full of terrorism. #Bad
It's kind of the same with Habbet Loulou, they did mention a social case, and some people related, but the difference here is that in this film, you cannot dig for a deeper meaning, because there is none.

I have one question for people who actually watched and liked this film:
What is the moral behind Habbet Loulou?

Again, I'm not here to judge the lame acting, the extra saturated art direction, the horrible sound design, the dull script, the boring jokes and the not so impressive camera movements, I am only expressing how I felt towards the content. There wasn't any.
Legally Blonde, parts one and two, have a richer content. And a moral.

That being said, now I sit here, thinking of my One hour and forty five minutes, gone, lost, wasted. Forever. And the things I could have done in that precious time, fruitful things...

Actually I made a list of better things I could've done in one hour and forty five minutes:
* Watch Twilight.
* Go for a swim. Then drown myself.
* Go to a zoo and feed the cats. (Cat: the most popular animal in a Lebanese zoo)
* Try black dotted pedicure.
* Apply to Nasa.
* Call Ogero and listen to their hold music for one hour and forty five minutes, while doodling.
* Watch an online rerun for the last episode of "Corazone De Piedra".
* Buy a real penguin on Ebay.
* Stand in front of a mirror and stare at my nipples.
* Die.
* Pee. Then stare at my pee and analyze its color.
* Watch a political pointless talk show. (Yes, that far).

Brace yourselves, I sense a Bébé post coming soon.
Mwah to all. 3AL KHADD.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

The End

"This is the end,
Beautiful friend,
This is the end,
My only friend, the end,
Of our elaborate plans, the end,
Of Roadster and Mar Mkhayel, the end,
No sushi or Jameson, the end,

I'll never look into your eyes again."
 Jim Morrison (in collaboration with Bernard Hage).

Yes, it's the end of the month. Which is even worse than the end of the world, because, you know, when the world comes to an end, Nasa will be sending Bruce Willis and his crew to save us all. I never worry about such details.
However, at the end of the month, it's just you, sitting in that corner of your room, remembering all the good times you had in the first week of that month, drying your tears every now and then with a tissue (a tissue you use more than once, you abuse it, to torture yourself, because you keep thinking how you spent all your money carelessly, and you do not deserve the luxury of a new tissue), and, of course, all that while listening to Coldplay - The Scientist.

The reason why I'm tackling this holy and sensitive subject is this facebook status I saw earlier today,
which pretty much inspired me.

Tarek, if you're reading this, I had to hide the word "Blackberry" from the post. I can't believe it's 2013 and there are still people who use non-apple products. 7termo l mawta! (Steve Jobs).

So, I read this and thought to myself, this status update is campaignable. It starts with a guy telling his girlfriend "Lech fi ahla men l DVD", but why stop there, lets take this to a deeper level! (Things you hear in ad agencies). How about a guy telling his mom "Lech fi ahla men l mjadra", the same mjadra he rejected two weeks ago, now he's willing to enjoy its taste. For two days in a row.
And so I went thinking of all the quotes people say at the end of each month, all under one concept: Compromise.

"3abele 2e23ad bel bet el layle, chakle 3am bol2at grippe"
Mostly used in the beginning of the Autumn season. This excuse is reliable, and has proved to be believable. People will leave you alone after this sentence, nobody wants to catch a cold.

"Babe mech ra7 a3tiya Vallet, ra7 soffa ana 3abele etmacha chwe. W hek bhaddim l akleit bel raj3a"
This one is mostly used on the last Thursdays of each month. Last Thursdays because we all know you cannot afford Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays at the end of the month. So you go out on a Thursday, happy hour.
Happy Hours. Ever noticed how Happy Hours become so popular at the end of the month? NOT because you're broke, but because you're busy at night and you'd rather enjoy a 4000 L.L beer with your friends right after work.

"Rou7o baleye, ana 3ande freelance badde echteghel 3lei"
That's pure bullshit. Do not use that. We all know you're not gonna work on a freelance on a Saturday night, you'll be sitting in your living room watching Two and a half men, while drinking the TANG juice your mom made you to console you and to show you the benefits of staying home.

"Mechye me3dte, ma fiye ekol w echrab chi, ma ra7 rouh etfarraj 3lekon"
Now this one usually works. But it is rarely used. I think we all understand why.
However, I salute the brave hearted people who use it. Because you know, it's sometimes hard to use such excuses in front of people, you might get answers like "En yi btemche me3edtak? Le pauvre! Ana 3emil vaccin mec, mrayya7 rase".
I just imagined the shapes and curves of the guy saying that, and now I shall seize writing about this subject.

"Leko ana jeyin la 3ande as7abe, rou7o ento w bel7a2kon eza khalaset bakkir"
Please. We all know no one is coming. First, because you don't have other friends (Facebook doesn't count). Second, we all know that the only people who will be visiting you on a Saturday night will be beit 3ammak Daniel, and you will be sitting with them, trying to explain to them what you do, in which field you work, but you shall always be interrupted by your little cousin who has ADD and has just broke a precious vase, then vomited on your Pink Floyd CDs.

"Ma fiyye eje, siyyarte wad3a te3ben, 3am bettale3 aswat gharibe"
No.

"3ande 3aza bi za7le, ma fiye eje"
Don't go there. We all know you never cared about these things. You who can't even remember where and when was your first communion. Now you want to go to Zahle? To console the family of your stepfather's ex best friend's grandpa who died at the age of 95. A natural death.

The list is endless, but I shall stop here. I don't want to give you any more ideas.
I find it amazing how our perception, knowledge, culture and acts transform from the beginning of a month till its end. We are beings who are capable of changing our beliefs, the way we talk, the way we smile and the way we live, in one week of time. Simply because we ran out of money. Now take what I just said and apply it on a bigger and more global scale, and you'll definitely get the concept of the marriage institute.

One thing I have learned from careers and agencies: In life, it's the little things that count. Like my salary.
You see depression comes in different forms. Most of times it comes in the form of a paycheck.
All your work and efforts become attached to this piece of paper, to which you eventually become a slave.

I quit my job over a year ago, yet somehow I'm making more money now, no, not because of pole dancing, that was a one time experience. I'm making more money simply because I'm not after money anymore, I am working on things I find interesting and fruitful.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my room, a Coldplay playlist awaits.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Goodbye cruel world.



We, as human race, should resign and let the dinosaurs rule again.
I saw this in Adonis, as I was driving. I was thinking to myself, better yet, felicitating myself for hanging on and not giving up on this country,despite all the politics and bombings. But this surely made me change my mind. My perception. My philosophy. It disturbed my inner peace.

Congratulations, sweet little cute butterfly honey bunny Barbie girl, you did what hundreds of terrorists couldn't do. You made me lose hope. I'm having a breakdown as I'm typing. (The dark side of multitasking).

PS: Notice the name. Nancy Wehbi. 
It's a mixture between Nancy Ajram and Haifa Wehbi. The perfect combo.
It comes from a deep cultural background, you know, just like Pink Floyd (Pink Anderson and Concil Floyd).
Well played Barbie girl, well played. 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Tripping

You know you're not ready for a serious relationship when you've spent nearly four months without updating your blog. Your personal blog. The shame.
All apologies, ladies and gents.

I will be probably using this same introduction for my next post as well.

The reason why I've been away this long is, well, I was abroad.
Yes, I am bullshiting you, but still, I did travel for four days to Istanbul. I've been planning and preparing for that trip for the last four months (I'm still bullshiting you).

But seriously, you know what amazes me about traveling?
Tourists. The word itself. "Tourist".
It's like a title you've earned, I'm telling you if I've stayed there for more than four days I would've made a business card for myself. Bernard Hage, Professional Tourist. (With a nice teddy bear on the back, of course. Things I've learned from past clients).
Thing is when you're a tourist, you feel important, wanted, desired, everyone wants to be your friend, even at the hotel where you're staying. Ever noticed how they treat you at foreign hotels? The way they look at you, the smile on their faces, the tears in their eyes when they see you woke up, and serve you breakfast. These are places where nobody knows how unimportant you are back at home.

You should enjoy your stay at these hotels while it lasts. Because the second you step into the airport, the dream is gone.
Below you may find some useful advices I would like to share with you concerning airports.
* If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy.
(But seriously, these are serious procedures they have to make, so they'd make sure that you don't have any kinds of weapons, or prostate cancer).
* Keep around $100,000 cash in your pocket at all times, in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich or an espresso from the airport.
* Thou shall not make any kind of jokes with airport security.
Trust me. I almost missed my flight.

But once you're boarding the plane, all is good.
I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.
PS: While boarding, if you don't fart while walking through first class, you're doing it wrong.
This time, I was traveling with friends. But usually, as I get closer to my seat, I always wonder who's gonna be sitting next to me. Because I always find myself sitting next to the wrong people in situations like these. People who fall asleep and their ass starts snoring.
Better yet, another common problem most of us face: We get stuck next to an obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Easy my friends, solution? Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

Left: Departure - Leaving Lebanon
Right: Arrival - Turkey



Left: Departure - Leaving Turkey
Right: Arrival - Lebanon


Little is the difference between both countries.
However, to be fair, when we were in Turkey, in our hotel precisely, the power went off for about 5 minutes. But that was it. We could hear people cursing in Turkish, but what got my attention was that their sentences included the words "Gebran Bassil". Unbelievable.
We couldn't wait to come back here.
We wanted to come back so bad, I have no idea why. Maybe it's the smell in Istanbul, maybe it's the language, or the Efes, or the signs...
The signs, now that was a challenge.
Actually we managed to understand most of the signs, they're not so hard after all. We even analyzed some signs we found on the Metro doors, we have mastered the signs game.
What do you expect from some Lebanese guys translating Metro signs?
 

And of course, not to forget the ultimate picture that every Lebanese tourist who likes to play on words would never miss:


What made this trip extraordinary, was of course, Mr. Roger Waters (bwajjehlo ta7iyye eza 3am yo2ra) who put on one hell of a show in Istanbul. Thank you Roro, you made our day, that day.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Marvel Comics' brand new hero

Fellow Lebanese, today, I come to you bearing great news.



Mr. Martin Goodman, founder of the MARVEL COMICS, announced today (7/5/13) in a press release, that Marvel will be launching new series, introducing a brand new hero.
Based on recent reports and our own suspicions, we're beginning to think Marvel might pull a surprising move that will be quite shocking for some.
"Spiderman is yesterday." says Martin, "Today's heroes have pretty much changed, it's about time we introduce the world to a new kind of heroes, with an absurd yet stunning type of super power."

Hold your breath, the best part is yet to come:
Rumor has it that the new series are deeply inspired by the events happening in the Middle East, Lebanon in particular. Martin explains:
"We spent most of our lives trying to create. Create new stories, environments, villains, troubles, super heroes, heroic deeds... Until someone told me: "You cannot create something that already exists, your ideas lack originality and are pure Deja-vu". And this is where we hit a wall, and we knew that a massive change needs to take place. Forgive my ignorance, but I've never really dove into Lebanon and the Lebanese society, it was that one feedback that triggered me to do more researches about this country. Receiving that kind of feedback wasn't that easy, trust me, it left a wound inside, but now when I look back at it, I cannot but thank the man who told me that, he opened my mind to new boundaries. I recall his name was "Tanios Chahine".

Martin is expecting the next Marvel hero to be a huge success, revealing that it was a real pain finding such unique character, a hero that lacks wisdom, common sense, honesty, modesty, but somehow, he remains a hero. Why? Because he declared himself a hero.
When we asked Martin Goodman about his inspiration, and from where he got his stunning idea, he replied to us with this link, not a single word added:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez-l7qh_teU&feature=player_embedded

Ladies and gents, behold, your new hero.

















Yes, the whole Marvel thing was an introduction to this, sorry to disappoint you. Oh and by the way, Martin Goodman died in June 1992.

However, here's what's happening in this country while you are busy in your offices finishing tasks:
Someone whom we (the people) elected to represent us, and to offer his best for our country, actually did his job.
But, our friend decided to give himself a pat on the back. So he launched an advertising campaign, thanking himself for what he has done. But then he felt that it wasn't enough, so of course, he sat with his creative team and brainstormed for 3 hours, and came up with this extraordinary (literally) idea:

*Sigh*  A comic book.  *Sigh*

Just when you thought you've seen it all, BAM! Our Minister of Energy and Water decides to launch a "comic book", funded by the ministry of energy and water itself, and what is the purpose behind this book? One message: People, I did my job.

Dude, come on.
First, we are paying you to do your job, second, if I had a dollar for every time one of your projects succeeded, I would still be broke. Third, what's with the TGV train everywhere? We don't even have a decent Bus transportation, badna nrou2. This kind of advertising is pure bullshit. Waky waky, it's 2013.

As my friend Noel Keserwany put it earlier today:

"The great British theoretical physicist and cosmologist Mr. Stephen Hawking once said:
“Fact is sometimes stranger than fiction.”

So I started thinking to myself: what kind of human work could beat these spaceships, three-eyed creatures, weekends on the moon, alien invasions… Nothing on our globe could be stranger than that. Nothing.

Till, a few days ago, I saw the light! Yes, fact could indeed be stranger than fiction!

And I need to thank our Minister of Energy and Water for making it all clear to me. And that by launching his “comic” book “A Nation’s Dream.”
 


Happy monsieur le ministre? You're all over the place. But frankly you're not to blame. It's not you, it's us. "Nahna cha3eb mat3oub 3le."

Let's imagine, for a second...
What if everyone who's doing their job, decided to launch an advertising campaign to felicitate themselves in front of 5 other million people...




This is sad.

Politicians are employees we assigned to work for us, to make the country a comfortable place for its citizens. We are paying them for their services. When an employee fucks up, he should get fired. We hold the decision. People should not be scared of their governments, governments should be scared of the people. 

Friday, April 19, 2013

███████ Elections

"Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after." 


Listen to the sound of my voice... You're getting very sleepy... The economy is great... You are secured... I alone fixed this... On the count of three wake up and go vote for me... 1, 2, 3!
- A Lebanese politician - once every 6 years.







Yep, unfortunately, that's how things roll in this country (or any other country), sad but true.
Elections show how desperate we are to be led by █████████ called politicians.

Now I was never interested in politics, and I never cared for all those statements being issued concerning any political event, and I have never practiced my right to vote, because, obviously, I thought it was  ████. I thought that the best way to combat corruption was by not voting for it.
But someone once told me that bad politicians are elected by good people who do not vote.
It makes sense once you think about it. Think about it...
But then again, looking at the number of ████████ we have in our parliament, I think good people are a minority.
In order to make a difference, I suggest that people with high IQ should get to vote twice.

What we need is some new fresh faces, everyone agrees. Strange because even the old faces in the government are demanding new young faces. Why aren't we seeing any already?
On the other hand, I heard that a large number of dead Lebanese are still registered to vote. Therefore, whether we like it or not, those politicians might literally get reelected over our dead bodies.
Corruption has always been our motto; if you put our government in charge of a desert, in two years there would be a shortage of sand.

But again, I am convinced that things won't get any better if we just sit and stare waiting for a miracle, or write blog posts about it...



[Awkward silence]



* First, politicians should stop acting like high school girls. The first one who doesn't talk bad about the other one and just states what he will do to fix the country is the first one I would be more than glad to vote for.

* Before we vote, candidates must get drunk so they would speak what's really on their mind.

* Whichever candidate promises to update the Ogero hold music has my vote.

* Whichever candidate promises to change the interior design of Tele Liban studios has my vote.

* If they win, candidates are kindly asked to use a lubricant before ████████ citizens.
Which takes me to my second point, I think this summer I'm voting for a whore. Excuse my language, but if I'm going to get ███████, it might as well be done by a professional.

* Because selling your vote for 200$ is too mainstream, here's my wish list for this summer, whichever candidate promises to finance it has my vote:

- I'm planing a Eurotrip (2 weeks)
- Trip to Nepal (1 week)
- I would like to have a digital piano.
- I want a puppy. A black puppy.
- I want a blue converse (size 44)
- I want a Pink Floyd poster signed by members Syd Barrett and Richard Wright.
- I want a gym permanent membership card. I won't use it, but it's cool to keep it.

To all interested candidates, this list will be updated and published on AL-WASEET pages right before the elections.

I think all candidates should use the same campaigns as the previous ones they used, only add the words "hal marra 3an jadd" (This time for real) under their headlines. *Sigh* let's enjoy the time we have left without ███████ █████ politician faces all over the streets.

But seriously, how are we supposed to trust our government? Doing that is like giving them a lighter then covering ourselves with gasoline. Actually that's what we've been doing... And somehow they are finding everything working fine, that they recently gave themselves a raise. What this government needs is a Department of Common Sense.
██████████████ no worries, ███████ everything █████████████████████ is fine, ████████ really. ██████████████████ The Lebanese Government.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

BREAKING NEWS


Do not panic. I repeat, do not panic. I will still be posting funny stuff here. I promise.

Monday, February 18, 2013

You had one job...

Earlier today, I read an article about Opra buying Skyfire for mobile-video technology. I wasn't interested. But what made this news interesting was Al-Balad newspaper.

No wait that's not their logo...
There you go!

Below you can see the original article in English (right) and the Al-Balad newspaper article (left).


You had one job. Find a freakin picture of Opera logo and attach it to the article.
What the fuck happened? What made you think it was Oprah Winfrey?
Why on earth would Oprah Winfrey buy Skyfire for mobile technology? Do you think she's preparing one giant surprise for mother's day?

Anyways, shit happens.
We all make mistakes, and what happened here is just a small detail. It's just a misplaced picture, it's not the end of the world.

In other news, best selling female pop singer Madonna is working on a new album to be released this spring.